Farmville is her only friend.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
