I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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