No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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