Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
