Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Randomize
