The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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