Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
