i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
