Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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