I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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