It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
