Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
