a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she woke up with a sticky ear
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
