WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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