Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
