Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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