sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
