Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
