4 words: hood of his car
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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