My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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