I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
