it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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