dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
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Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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