I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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