is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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