I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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