My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
