Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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