I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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