I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
