It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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