Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Girls should come with a carfax report
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
