So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
