Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize