Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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