wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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