I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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