Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
