Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Randomize
