if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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