We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
