Moan for me like Helen Keller
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
