when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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