You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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