you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
