Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
