She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
