Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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