I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Randomize
