Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
