Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
