so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
