I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
