I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
