he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
