The best revenge is premature balding
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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