my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
